One Month Away: Reflection

God invented desserts for that very reason: stress! Who even cares about wedding diets—

It was pretty cool to be in a wedding where you get to see the bride handle stress well. I got to see my good friend Jenna just handle her resplendent wedding day with a chill vibe. I’ll be excited to be at that point by the wedding day!

I’ll be completely okay with things going wrong on my wedding day. I am actually anticipating all the many things I’m going to forget. I’m not a Type A person, and I’m going to enjoy how imperfectly imperfect the day will be! I just think it’s the last minute checklist that has me in knots. Making sure all of x, y, and z has been ordered. Mapping out designs and going through all the final checklist for the big day. I hope everyone will enjoy celebrating our union.

Veil Styles & Hair

I’m obsessed with drop veils and Alencon lace. The featured image can be found here. Wedding planning has definitely taught me specialty details that I never knew existed in the wedding fashion world. I first visited the history books to look up behind this particular lace. Of course, France invented this lavish lace. Currently, this lace is still very popular by designers for weddings. Here’s a blog post from around 2012, talking about the trend of drop veils. Famous celebrities have also worn drop veils, notably, Grace Kelly and Katherine Middleton. I also adore how sweet the lace makes the face look, when you add that Alencon style.

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I can’t help it. I love lace—and I feel drop veils have this western elegance. My veil is somewhat the same, somewhat different—and I’m excited to wear it. I also got it off Etsy from a seller who hand makes veils, so I’m extra excited about that fact! I still haven’t made up my mind about hair. It will be some-type of up-do—-but I have a few choices:

Option A: Side Bun                                    Option B: Side Ponytail

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It was fun talking about how the veil would fit, and if I would wear anything to accent it. I was obsessed with flower crowns for awhile—-but I think with the lace, that crown will just sit out.

In Defense of My Family

This weekend was my usual Chicago visit. I had a wedding florist appointment in Michigan, and a hair consultation (wedding veil) appointment in Chicago on the same day. My florist appointed ended right on time, so I arrived in Chicago earlier than expected—(I can’t wait to talk about those appointment in another post–They were VERY informative and FUN!). My dad had left earlier for a funeral, but we sort of arrived at the house within minutes of each other. My dad came inside the house frustrated from the funeral he attended. Usually, when people come home from funerals, they are processing their emotions and thoughts toward the service and dearly departed. His mind was on the people at the funeral—He sat down to vent and discuss his frustrations at our community. It was interesting to note that when people asked about his children, it ended up in quite a few defensive confrontations about my impending marriage.

I wish I could say that was the first and only time. Of course, that hasn’t been the first time. I have no doubt that it will be the last, or a series, of my “racial” pride being called into question. I regularly call my family to check in, and hear updates of how people feel towards my marriage to a white man. It’s interesting to note, how forward people are towards making sure I know their opinion in addition to their congratulations of me. For instance, I would be at church, and they congratulate me and then turn towards another family member (this time it was my brother), to blatantly asks how he feels about the white guy I’m going to marry. This leads to them not-so-discretely pull him off to the side to focus on a more detailed conversation concerning my family’s feeling at me being a sell-out. Furthermore, I apparently need to brush up on my skills in

How to Be Black

I should put books on my registry. I wish Barnes & Noble had a wedding registry. Anyway, My dad was incensed at people’s callous treatment of my upcoming marriage.I think it was cute that he was upset as he stated again and again, THAT HE LIKES TOM. If, as a father, he likes the man I marry, shouldn’t that be good enough for the *community? If he tells people that I’m marrying someone he approves of—-isn’t that enough? My mom has told me that she’s taken the stance of defensive wording in trying to bring the focus back to love and not skin color. I’m completely fine with people vocalizing their thoughts, but the hypocrisy of those thoughts (with their life actions-and yes that might seem petty), but my black rage is enough to take me to a very dark place, especially, when humans once again epitomize:

There are NUMEROUS blog sites, websites, dating sites, and articles ALL TALKING ABOUT interracial dating and marriage in America. I didn’t come here to justify my decision—-because it’s 2015. I could care less about me defending being a sell-out to my community because my life choices have proven otherwise. It’s interesting the weird backward stereotypes and purported propaganda that is associated with marrying white. In respect to my elders, and all that cultural jazz, I think it’s one thing if you are over the age of 85. Don’t think I’m slighting people over the age of 85 (they usually are the most opened minded non-politically correct people) but for the sake of this post and because I do have relatives that ARE over the age of 85, they get a pass. Everyone who has

  1. Had to adapt due to the rise of the Internet and the way it’s revolutionized our daily lives
  2. Has current access to a cell phone, laptop, or computer desktop
  3. Can remember when airplanes were a “thing”

 Ya’ll are not excused.

GET YO LIVES. That’s all I’m going to dwell on that. I was excited to create a wedding blog, partially for guests, but most importantly, to have this extra scrapbook layer (I’ve liked to build websites since tripod.com came into existence) to share with my future children. This is my way of creating a site filled with detailed information from the people who will stand by us—and their stories, to our own stories, and combining them into this site to let my future children to know—that by choosing each other, “it’s okay.” I want them to know (first-hand) that I made this decision to be with their father the right way (you know by dating, and stuff). I also hope that they know, when they do grow up and marry, I will ramp up my defensive wording to full on black rage action if people give you s*** (that word was deleted for the assumption you might be reading this at an early age :P)  about marrying someone outside your race.

This is your mother’s mean face.

*community I’m defining as their circle of church friends, or the black community I grew up in.

I strive that both my children are proud of their identities, and do to the poisonous nature of race relations, not feel as if they have to choose/identify with one over the other—-or feel as if they don’t belong to either group as stated below:

“Cross”
By Langston Hughes

My old man’s a White old man,
And my old mother’s Black,
If I ever cursed my White old man,
I take my curses back.

If I ever cursed my Black old ma
And wished she were in hell,
I’m sorry for that evil wish,
And now I wish her well.

My old man died in a fine White house,
My ma died in a shack,
I wonder where I’m gonna die,
Being neither White nor Black.

Just so they know where their parents stand, here is my attempt at a letter to our future children.

My sweetest mixed baby:

Race in America sucks. It wasn’t until 1967 (and 2000 for AL) that interracial marriages (if you had DARK COLORED SKIN) was legalized. The few who wanted to actually have a legalized marriage (slave women ran off with Indians, or slaves ran to Mexico—the more wealthy went abroad) escaped America to do it. Nowadays, with all the problems in the world: war, global climate, modern-day slavery, class issues—-you would think that people would just be HAPPY when two people love each other another to start a family.

I am so sorry that people think there is something wrong with me for who I love. I’m going to let you know that from early on, I’ve always dated who ever I was attracted to. I am an equal opportunist, and your dad came along was the ultimate qualifier. What made him just right for your mother? Well, if you ask your grandfather he’s going to say—that your father passed his checks/(tests):

  1.  The background check
    1. Religion
    2. Family
  2. The education check
    1. Degrees
    2. Job

If you ask your mother, she’s going to say because no one has EVER loved her and shown their love to her like your father has. She’ll tell you that he acknowledges his white privilege and tries to use it for change. She’ll recount to you how much it means when he writes letters complaining to a company about simple things: such as creating a black emoticon (in case Apple isn’t around in your day), or something big like having good conversations about race relations in urban schools, churches, and communities. She won’t get into to much detail because she’s saving it for her wedding day, but just know that from the moment your mom arrived for their coffee shop meeting, no man has looked at your mom like that. I hope that one day, you’ll find someone who looks at you JUST like your dad (preferably when you’re all GROWN UP LIKE YOUR MOM).

I want you to know that life is fleeting, even though your mother always thought THAT IT TOOK FOREVER FOR HER TO GROW UP—and one should pursue and live to the fullest of their days allotted. I want you to know that she received her love, her self-esteem, her black womanhood from the support system that she grew up around. She has never forgotten that, appreciated that it made her able to walk different paths in life, and she is continually trying to help make that reality possible for others just like her. I want you to be proud of that, and I want you to be proud of your dad too. Your dad received his big heart, his wit, his amazing intellect from the world he grew up in. I promise you that we are trying to bring forth a better world, and that we are both doing it together. We hope the world you grow up in, whatever the state of this nation, we hope that it can stop practicing interracial tolerance and start practicing interracial embrace-ment. We hope that you won’t have to go through an Imitation of Life and can be proud of your mixed heritage.

                                         

It won’t be easy. We have made many strides in being the 15 percent, but we are just not there yet. We have come so far (as you will learn at home and in history class), and we have further to go (I’m sure recent events will show otherwise—but even a simple Google of Black Lives Matter will start you off in research). I want to know we love you, and I hope you read this article, to if only, reassure you, that we made the right choice.

Why We Didn’t Choose a Church Venue

Church weddings are beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve teared up at watching a beautiful bride strut down the aisle runway. I think there is beautiful architecture inside a church and it can easily be decorated to suit anyone’s need. I think churches are fantastic options for all budgets or couple’s beliefs. Unfortunately, I do not think they are the only traditional option.

For example, I’ve always LOVED destinations or beach weddings. I’ve never been super into weddings—I didn’t have wedding Pinterest boards until I was engaged, but that doesn’t mean I never thought about a general wedding venue concept. I talked to Tom, and he was open to whatever I wanted most. I just figured beaches are cool—that seems to fit into what a “cool” wedding would look like for us. In reality, that just didn’t fit in the time-table and the amount of guests we wanted for creating a beach wedding.

What I did figure out from the process of venue searching is the following: An outdoor wedding venue. I figured it didn’t matter as long as it was outdoor. Tom felt that it fitted us both as a couple, and in the time frame we wanted we searched extensively for a spot that would reflect our start in marriage. In the end, I do find that I keep justifying my decision. As if there’s something terrible about not having it in a church. The statements people make are as follows:

  • You’re not getting married in a church? That’s very non-traditional.
  • Why are you getting married on a farm? You know black people don’t get married on farms.

Let’s address the first statement. For anyone reading this and has seen the wedding website: Off-Beat Brides, and not raised in a strict Christian upbringing, you may seem slightly confuzzled about what some naysayers consider “non-traditional.” The background is (as I’m sure most know). I’m a PK kid. For anyone furiously googling that terminology: AKA: “preacher’s kid” or in my own case, “Pastor’s Kid.”I was born and raised in a church, and as much as the church has made me what I am today (I haven’t in the slightest forgotten that), I want to say that Jesus wouldn’t mind if I brought him with me to let’s say—-some other location.

Now, Let me briefly rant on Christian tradition. I’m going to use a lot of Luvvie’s “Jesus Take the Wheel” and a little bit of Louise:

I’m not going to be briefly mention that Jesus was born in a barn—-and not elaborate further. I’m not even going suggest that in the Old Testament the Israelites were wondering around in the wildness for 40 some odd years….I’m sure absolutely no one got married then—even if we think about the concept that we’re relegating Jesus to some “civilized structure” of 4-walls and steeple seems so unjust. To leave a statement that marriage blessings couldn’t happen outdoors surrounded by the beauty of nature that *cough*God*cough* created and have that recognized—don’t get me started. I don’t have time to get up on a soap box during this process, and I want to make sure that when someone asks me—I can just refer them to this blog post. I don’t have the time to defend my life choices for one measly day, and this is all the energy and effort I’m going to put into it.

Let’s talk about the second statement. My FAVORITEST statement to date: Girl, black people don’t get married at no  farm.

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So, Let’s talk about my choice of venue.

Again, there is no need or justification. Yet, I’m always like, apparently, ya’ll need some insight into my eccentricities—-and well jot down those notes:

Let’s Look at Post Family Farms.  It did win this little award last year. Go research it, if you need further clarification.

The best way, I can help you think about what you’re getting yourself into. Is to help you visualize. I’m sure you’re probably thinking this:

When In actuality, it’s more of the following:

https://i2.wp.com/www.reneealeisaphotography.com/uploads/1/3/2/5/13252449/2506157.jpg

Taken from the following site: http://www.reneealeisaphotography.com

Wait until you see the ceremony waterfall site. I’ll just leave that to your imagination. If you haven’t gotten it, you won’t get it—and all I’m going to suggest to you, is breath and try one of these new amazing phrases of Luvvie’s Fix It Jesus.

Wedding Coordinator & More! Six Months Away!

Ahhhhh! I have a wedding coordinator! WHOOOO-HOOOO! My FAVORITE CANADIAN (who is now an American) annnnnnnd took us on this awesome Hamilton/Toronto/Ontario trip, has graciously agreed to help be my event coordinator, as well as, mistress of ceremonies. Katy is professional events manager, and has planned weddings before. She gave me the accent color of yellow as that last “popping” detail. I can’t wait to surprise my mom (her favorite color is yellow) so this just makes the wedding that special.

Background wedding details: My parents were married in a courthouse in 1972. They couldn’t afford to have a wedding, and they have communicated that regret to me growing up. My dad (is a beautifully sentimental person) stated that he would like to give me a wedding just like they never had. Ahhh! I’m going to cry. My parents are the best. Anyway, Katy brings her skills and expertise which makes me so happy! Also, Tom and I are claiming her as travel partners for life.

Just a few updated details:

  • Working on securing a photographer
  • In process of firming up catering details
  • Working on securing musicians
  • Firming up details on wedding party style and decor
  • Working on a guest list

I’ve gotten a few questions about my reasoning to blog. Is it something to do? Is there a purpose?

  • I like to think that blogging about my experiences helps make me less neurotic.
  • I also like to process my experiences and I think years from now it will be special to share with children of my own—-this piece of wedding work:

what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? – Mary Oliver